Artist: Jonathon Earl Bowser - Used with permission

SHOULD YOU GO FIRST
by A.K. Rowsell

Should you go first and I remain
To walk the road alone,
I'll live in memory's garden, dear,
With happy days we've known.

In Spring I'll wait for roses red,
When fades the lilac blue,
In early fall, when brown leaves call
I'll catch a glimpse of you.

Should you go first and I remain
For battles to be fought,
Each thing you've touched along the way
Will be a hallowed spot.
I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile,
Though blindly I may grope,
The memory of your helping hand
Will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain
To finish with the scroll,
No length'ning shadows shall creep in
To make this life seem droll.
We've known so much of happiness,
We've had our cup of joy,
And memory is one gift of God
That death cannot destroy.

Should you go first and I remain,
One thing I'd have to do:
Walk slowly down that long, lone path,
For soon I'll follow you.
I'll want to know each step you take
That I may walk the same,
For some day down that lonely road
You'll hear me call your name.    

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Coping with the Death of a Loved One

Behaviour That Could Lead to Impairment or Injury

Ritual for Bereavement

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Coping with the Death of a Loved One

Do we ever get over the loss of a loved one?  Is it possible to start life anew without our dear one sharing it with us?  Will our memories of pleasant times together help us get our lives back?

There are no easy answers to these questions.  Once someone passes out of the world of the physical and into the world of the spiritual, we can never physically experience them again the way we once knew.  But we can always experience them and have them share in our lives by keeping their memories alive in our minds and hearts and by realizing that, as spiritual beings not limited to physical properties, they are more often around us than ever before.

Each time we come back to the physical world, we go through a growth experience of the soul.  Every occurrence in our lives determines and measures our growth.  Like the cycle of the seasons when something dies in the winter to be born again in the spring, it is impossible to have life without an ending and a new beginning.  Everything we do is about growth.

To this end, every living creature on this planet experiences loss in one way or another.  It may be a loss of a job, or a loss through a divorce, an accident, or a crime.  It may be an unrealized goal, or just growing older.  We might consider these losses as distressing life changes, but we often find that these, too, have their time and place in our lives.  In order to experience a loss and transform it, there are steps we can take to start on the successful road to a healthier, fuller, and more centered life.  The first of these steps is to recognise and deal with our grief.

Grief has many appearances - physical, mental and emotional.  Helplessness, anxiety, sleeplessness, fear, despair, irritability, anger, depression, nausea, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, even thoughts of suicide can all be considered symptoms or signs of grief.  It is important to realise that grieving over the loss of someone  (or even something like a job) is very normal and quite natural.  When we grieve, we feel as though our lives are over and that they will never be the same.  We feel that we cannot go on even on more day without the person we lost.  We feel as if our whole world has turned upside down.  Nothing seems to fit or make any kind of sense.  We seem to be totally out of balance in every area of our lives.  We can't think straight; we can't make decisions correctly.  We often find that we cannot control our emotions, or we cry sporadically over the smallest challenges.  All of these feelings are very much a part of the grief experience and should never be dismissed or judged as wrong.

At such a time, it is common for bereaved individuals to have a sense of apathy for their own physical, emotional, and spiritual welfare.  It is of the utmost importance for individuals to be able to cope with their grief with the goal of restoring some sense of well-being to their lives.

How do we do this?  How do we recover from our grief?  The following stages are applicable to any loss - of a person, a pet, a home, a job, or living with a long-term illness.  This healing process applies in most situations where we feel at a loss.

1.  SHOCK

When people hear that a loved one has died, their first reaction might be one of shock, or they could experience a sense of numbness, thinking: This could not have happened.  They might reject the idea that a loss has occurred at all.  They look as if they're in a trance, or zombielike, as they shuffle around with little awareness of their surroundings.  Later, they may have no memory of the first days of the news of the loss.  This memory loss is nature's way of coming to our aid.  By shutting down, our minds are unconsciously trying to cope with the sudden change in our lives.

This initial shock might last a few hours or a few days, and once it does wear off, it is important to have a close friend or loved one nearby to assist us in our grief.  Often, family and friends are at our side during the funeral, but once it is over, they are gone.  It is usually at this time that we come out of shock and need someone the most.  For when the shock is over, the real pain begins.

When you are going through the pain, remember that being angry and hurt are natural reactions to a loss.  You will get over it.  Life will return to somewhat normal circumstances once again.

2.  DENIAL

Whenever we feel hurt, our tendency is to deny it.  By doing this, we seem to ease our pain.  We so want the hurt not to exist, so by denying our pain, we fool ourselves into thinking it does not exist.  Again, it is the unconscious part of ourselves trying to cope with loss.  Denial can manifest in many ways:

1. We lose interest or stop our involvement in everyday affairs.

2. We sleep too much or suffer from insomnia.

3. We lose our appetite.

4. We don't take interest in our daily hygeine.

5. We become depressed and can't seem to snap out of it.

Once again, it is important for us to understand that denial is a normal stage of the grief process and that we can eventually get beyond it.

3.  JUST FEEL

The first step on the road to healing yourself is to accept the reality of the situation - that you have suffered a loss.  The loss is real, and the recognition of it is important.  It is normal to feel.  Make sure you feel!  Do not repress your anger, your sadness, your upset, or your helplessness.  These feelings are all very natural.  Do not cover or hide your feelings, thinking you are immature, or that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.  If you feel like crying, let it out.  Cry!  Crying is a natural reaction and is very necessary in healing the body.  There is, in fact, scientific proof that tears of sadness are biochemically different from tears of laughter and joy.  So crying actually helps you to release certain chemicals from your body.

It is natural that you will often think of your loved one, and in doing so, sometimes anger creeps into your thoughts.  If you are angry, allow your anger to come out without hurting yourself or others.  Take it out by doing something physical like sports, or punching a pillow, or going to a  remote area and screaming to your heart's content.  It's understandable that you feel hurt and pain, and letting out your anger in beneifical ways is healthy.

Also, do not qualify the way you should feel.  We are all individuals, and our relationships with one another are uniquely our own.  Therefore, each of us reacts differently to a situation, especially a loss.  Don't judge yourself by the way others feel.  There is no right or wrong way.

It is also quite common for us to want to get away from the pain as soon as possible, so we may try to medicate ourselves with tranquilizers.  Sometimes we might need them as a quick temporary relief.  However, drugs hinder our progress in the long run, and the feelings we are trying to repress usually surface in one way or another.  Trust me when I say that it is much better to deal with this now and get it out of the way - than it is to repress it and suffer (as I did) for nearly 9 years after the event.

In addition, the unprocessed feelings of grief literally eat away at a person and manifest in a myriad of health concerns and illnesses, including obesity, allergies, aches, pains, breathing trouble, phobias and, in some cases, cancer.

Therefore, in order to stay healthy, we must fully go through the experience of feeling.  Our feelings are our barometer for living.

4.  ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND ACCEPTANCE

Once we have gone through our shock, denial, hurt, pain, and anger, we will progress into a stage of acknowledgment and acceptance of actual death.  This is the first step in bringing back some sort of balance to our lives.  Accepting the death of our loved ones does not mean that we approve of their death.  We are merely seeing the situation realistically.  We understand that our loved one has passed on, and we will not see them physically anymore.  However, we will see them again when it is our time to pass into the spiritual realm.

A loss is a loss, and there is no way to change it.  The amount of pain you might feel will correspond directly to the intensity of your feelings for your deceased loved one.  But it is important to realize that by feeling your pain, you are actually healing.  You can and will begin to get your strength back, and you will move back into life and continue the learning experiences you are here to learn.

5.  SETTLING PRACTICAL MATTERS

Besides emotionally dealing with a loss, it is also important to establish a sense of order in your daily life from a financial and practical point of view.  This is especially true if the deceased handled the money in your relationship.  Again, do not be scared to ask for help.  A family member or friend may be able to offer some advice in this area, and they may be able to help you a great deal more than you ever thought.

If there are medical or insurance claims, have them taken care of in order to give yourself some peace of mind and financial freedom.  The sooner this are is handled, the better you will feel all around.  You will also want to research all your finances, make lists, and review all known assets, bank accounts, holdings, and so on.  You may also need to create a list of all your expenses, debts, and loans so that the correct payments are allocated for each.  You may need to liquidate your assets, if this is an option.  In most cases, you will need to inform creditors of the recent death so they can adjust their records accordingly.

This is a time when you will have to take care of all legal matters concerning yourself and the deceased.  In order to settle most practical and financial matters, you will need copies of the death certificate.  You may also have to contact an attorney if there is an inheritance or an estate to settle.

6.  MOVING ON

When the sun sets, it also rises again.  You have been through an incredible emotional period, and at times it seemed unbearable and you did not want to go any further.  However, the time has arrived when you are ready to assess your life and move on.  A new chapter in your life has begun.

You are now at a perfect place to seek guidance from a support or grief group.  There are many support groups for people who have experienced a specific loss, for example, the loss of a spouse, or a child, or a sibling, or the loss of someone to AIDS, cancer, and the like.  The individuals in a support group have also been through a similar loss, and, like you, hurt.  Everyone needs help to get their lives going once again.  I suggest that you visit a support group meeting and observe.  See if you fit in and if you feel comfortable with the other members.  Perhaps you might want a friend or family member to accompany you the first time.  Above all, don't be afraid to ask for help.

This is a time you may also want to get involved in a physical activity on a regular basis.  Join a gym, play tennis or golf, take a daily walk or jog.  It is important that you get involved in physical activities so you can keep your mind sharp, your body in tune, and your emotions in balance.  Physical activity helps to release anger, clear away depression, and dispatch beneficial hormones throughout your body.

Grieving and healing do not occur overnight, and there is no way of judging the amount of time it will take any individual to personally heal and start a new life.  You will always have your loved ones around you, even though you may not be aware of their presence.  You can always be happy and joyful with the memories you hold of them.  Do not diminish these memories, for they are just as special as they were when the experiences occurred.

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BEHAVIOUR THAT COULD LEAD TO IMPAIRMENT OR INJURY

It is important to realize that there will be setbacks, so keeping track of feelings and mood swings is necessary.  For instance, many people fall back into denial, disbelieving that death has occurred.  Certain individuals are not able to come out of their denial and grief, and they may exhibit some sort of self-destructive behaviour.  Be aware of the following signs.  If these signs continue for a long period of time, professional help is needed.

1. An individual may begin to entertain thoughts of suicide.  This is common at first, but if a person persists with the actual means of how he or she wants to accomplish this, it is a red flag.  Get preventative assistance.

2. A grieving person may need at first to take some medication, such as tranquilizers and mood elevators.  Because a person could easily become dependent on such medication, he or she needs careful monitoring.  Sometimes an individual will try to gloss over the pain and trauma he or she is experiencing.  A medical professional should be seen on a regular basis.  The quicker a person is off medication, the sooner the fog lifts, and the sooner a person will be able to cope with the loss and start the healing process.

3. If an individual stays completely detached from his or her normal activities and starts to obsess, or stays alone in a depressed state for long periods, it's time to seek a professional counselor who deals specifically with grief.  A counselor can help to bring such a person back to reality.

Though the grief process is painful, it is a part of the experience of life that we all inevitably go through.  We all will feel the loss of someone we love.  We must realize that we will survive.

Even though it might not be clear right now, your light on this earth is needed.  There is no one else on earth like you because you are indeed unique.  People need you!  At a time of loss, you may experience a sense of self-imposed guilt or worthlessness, thinking if only or I should have, but this self-abuse is not necessary.  Don't feed into it!  Realize that the grief you experience can assist you in being a bit more sensitive to others in a similar position.  One day you will be able to help someone else go through the grieving process.  The loss you suffer, no matter how great, does not compare to the greatness that is you.  Be kind to yourself and give yourself a big hug.  Tell yourself how much you love and appreciate yourself for being alive and having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called life!

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RITUAL FOR BEREAVEMENT

(By Fiona Horne)

This is a ritual to honour the life of someone who has moved on into the next realm. It also helps those left behind to cope with their loss.

Have everyone write on a black piece of paper with silver pen a favourite memory of the person.

Have them place three pinches of crushed almond (to honour Hecate Goddess of the Underworld) in the centre of the paper, fold and tie with a red ribbon.

Everyone then gather by the ocean or a lake - basically a large body of water to help everyone work through their emotions.

Light a good size bonfire and have everyone stand around it in a circle. The person who is leading the ritual throws handfuls of patchouli and myrrh on the fire and dedicates the ritual by saying: "_____ (Name) tonight we gather to share in love the sweet memory of your life and the eternity of your spirit".

Each person then recites what is written on their pieces of paper before throwing them in the fire.

All join hands and repeat as one: "Farewell dear friend, until we share, in another realm, our time again. Merry Meet, Merry Part, Merry Meet Again."

Then pass a loving cup filled with your loved departed one's favourite drink. When everyone has sipped from the same cup pour a little on the fire and then toast them.

Put the fire out and perhaps all go out together and share happy memories of your loved one.

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MEDITATIONS TO HELP IN COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE